Thursday, 15 January 2015

Sexual Misadventures: Part 3

I thought it would be like that Sam Smith song. It wasn't.

Apparently, you have not truly experienced the Single Life until you have had a One Night Stand. I very rarely go "out" (because hello, London ain't cheap) and so I never meet guys in clubs. I also have a very convenient and nice fuck buddy (update on that situation coming soon) who I can turn to when physical needs demand it. So I date at my leisure and haven't needed to resort to a hook-up.

But I was curious. A year ago I ended a longterm relationship because I didn't know who I was, who I could be as a separate human being, not as part of a pair. So I became independent and lived a little, and in the process fun was had and shit happened and I took it all as part of the experience. Because my reactions to it all taught me a little bit more about who I am and what I want, that I can take risks and trust myself to get through it. It was like meeting a whole new person that had been lurking inside me all along.

The funny thing about growing-up and discovering things about yourself is that it's a bit of a rush. A little... addictive. I don't know if you've ever made a big change and then suddenly felt the need to change every other aspect of your life too? It's like that. And with 2015 came a mad need to shake things up.

So I thought to myself: how would I feel after a One Night Stand?

The idea had occurred to me before but I am very picky and, even with my high libido, I very rarely fancy a guy without spending some time getting to know him first. Personality turns me on way more than looks. It meant that so far all the sex I'd had was attached with varying degrees of affection for someone. Whether I loved them, just enjoyed their company or because they were familiar, there was always some kind of feeling there.

What would sex with a guy I had zero attachment to be like? How would I feel about the simple physical act of just fucking a guy I did not care about? (Because even though I have a "fuck" buddy he is also my friend).

The lucky guinea-pig to my experiment was to be a Tinder find (obviously - I recently read this article comparing the nation's fave dating app to ordering pizza... they ain't lying). We met up at Winter Wonderland and I hadn't yet decided on this being my One Night Stand. But then it became the worst first date in history and I thought, why not make the best of a bad situation?

We shall call the guy EuroCoaster, because that roller coaster at Winter Wonderland is an apt metaphor for how our date went; overpriced, promising at first, and then grinding to a halt in a terrible anti-climax. He also grew up in France.

I've always thought Winter Wonderland would be a great first date. Not so. For one, it's a bit awkward going on a ride with someone you barely know - is he ready for my rollercoaster face and high-pitched squealing? Probably not.

Anyway I decided I wasn't going to let that ruin my night so I let the screams fly. EuroCoaster barely seemed to register the fact that we were fifty feet up in the air and upside down. I suggested we get a drink, hoping to loosen him up.

"I don't like mulled wine," he said. WELL I DO and I drank lots of it.

So first we talked about work. I told him how much I hate my current job and about all my big career plans. He told me he was very driven and ambitious but he didn't know what he wanted to do. I politely ignored the contradiction and, prompted by the terrible Abba tribute playing on stage, asked him what music he was into.

"I don't like music," he said.

The fuck? That's like saying, "I don't like food".

He then asked me about my favourite films. I gave him my top 3 (Gone With the Wind, Inception and Star Wars 4).

"I don't like sci-fi and fantasy" he said. "Or Christopher Nolan."

I knew immediately that we were going nowhere.

But I'd invested my Friday evening into this chump so when the park closed and EuroCoaster suggested we head to a bar I said yes. He was becoming less insufferable the more I drank anyway. He did lighten up when we were inside and warm but I didn't really feel any spark. Eventually the bar closed and we headed back out, knowing the most awkward part of the first date must now take place.

"What do you want to do now?" he asked.

My internal monologue at this point:
I'd quite like to go home and read my book, but I can do that anytime, I should be more fun. Carpe Diem! Better not drink anymore though, or I will lose all control of my limbs. Should I invite him back to mine? I don't want him in my room. Should I kiss him? Do I want to sleep with him? Not sure. How would meaningless sex on a first date make me feel? Maybe I should try it? Maybe I have sex-addict potential. Or maybe I'll hate myself? Hmmmm... I'll just avoid giving a direct answer and force him to take the lead.

"Don't mind" I said, with a smile.
"We could go to another bar?" he suggested.
I shook my head. "I'm a light-weight, don't want to embarrass myself."
"Do you want to go home?"
"Do you?"
"Don't mind."
"What do you want to happen now?" I ask him stubbornly.
Awkward beat. EuroCoaster shrugs. "You can come back to mine?"
"Kiss me first, then I'll decide."

So he kisses me. It's all right. There are no sparks, no butterflies, but he's completely unthreatening and on a superficial level attractive enough. I agree to go back to his so he must think he's an insanely good snog. People fuck all the time, I think, maybe it's as meaningless as Starbucks coffee?

I quickly text his address to my friend while he's getting me some water (safety precaution) and when he returns he takes off all my clothes and suddenly his hands are everywhere. It's as if I've now become an object that he can touch and do with as he pleases. He was... careless with me. All right then, I think, if that's how this works! I touch back just as carelessly and don't bother pulling out my best moves. Then we're on the bed, the condom is half on - we hear the front door open and close in the hallway outside his room.

"My sister's back," he says, as he cums.

I'm too stunned for words. I roll him off me. The fuck just happened?

"I'm really embarrassed," he says.

"Don't be," I say.
You cretin, I think.

After he had recovered, he was able to have sex and we did. Technically speaking he wasn't bad - there was lots of position changing. At one point he tried to put it in my ass, without even asking permission, and I gave a squeal of disapproval. Is bum-fun a pre-requisite now?

"You seem like the kind of girl who loves anal," he protested.

"Well I'm not," I reply. I mean, ffs, I wouldn't even let my ex boyfriends do that, there was no way I was giving up my bum-virginity to this skeez.

"How about bukkake? Can I come on your face?"


So he came on my tits. I wiped it off with his t-shirt and put on my clothes, not bothering to conceal how un-impressed I was.

"Do you want to stay?" he asked.

I just laughed. And then I booked an Uber.

So I had done it - the One Night Stand. I knew I would never see nor hear from EuroCoaster again. And I did not care. I got home, showered, curled up in my stupidly comfortable bed and thought nothing of it.

Even now, a couple of weeks later, I feel completely indifferent. Society would label me as either a dirty whore, a cold-hearted bitch, or a used victim. I thought I would feel like one of those. I don't. I'm not any of those. I had a One Night Stand and it was... nothing. I gained nothing and I lost nothing.

It did make me realise one thing. Guys seem to obsess over One Night Stands and they are made into this BIG deal. I think that's because, for men, it's a conquest; they've successfully seduced a girl and their reward is getting their end away. For girls, it's not like that - a woman can get sex whenever she wants (depending on how much she's prepared to lower her standards). Guys have to work for it and so naturally they want it more. That's where all the fuss comes from.

So what I take away from this experience is that sex is indeed meaningless. It is as poetic and important as blowing your nose or any other bodily function. What makes sex enjoyable, for me, is who it's with. It's feeling a connection and wanting to please that person. I don't have to love them but I do need to respect them, to feel that they're a human being, and that we're both having a good time.

I know, I know - all good romantic films tell you this! But that's not the case for everyone and it's good to discover for yourself. Some people (guys and girls) love One Night Stands! I also know guys who aren't big on meaningless hook-ups. Again, as I keep realising over and over, there is no right or wrong when it comes to sex. (Except of course if it's breaking the law!)

Anyway, I promised myself I wouldn't have another one nighter, or risk one by having sex on a first date. But then I met the next guy ...and broke all my rules. Oops.